Things have been good. Real good as a matter of fact. I’m now at 243 lbs which means I have now lost 100 pounds. What an accomplishment. Still, it feels like I’m just beginning. I’m still not satisfied. I hope I can get down to 240 or 239 by the end/beginning of the month.
I’ve been doing what I can in my weight training. Hopefully the photo below shows that. My arm I mean. Haha.
Things with my girlfriend have been great. The past month and a half have really been amazing. The sex is really great, but it’s always great, but there is something that is just better about it this time around. I can tell she’s just as emotionally connected as she is with the physical aspect of it and that’s an awesome feeling.
I feel I really managed my insecurities and that’s helped a lot in our relationship. I don’t see myself as that obese bastard I was over a year ago. I’m now comfortable in my own skin. It’s serene. We decided that if things are still this good in a year, that we’ll get engaged. Hopefully that pans out.
Life is good.
I’m too tired to get into details, but I wanted to note I’m down to 247 lbs and that I’m back with my Ex. Well, she isn’t my Ex anymore. Haha.
Last night, she told me she was still in love with me and she wants to try again. So do I because I’m still in love with her too.
I’m happy. We both made mistakes. I was emotionally and mentally a wreck when we first started dating. I was still that fat and ugly guy in my head and I needed to shake that off. I’m more confidant now. I’m more secure in who I am and now I can be the guy she deserves.
For now, life is good.
So I’m 1/4th of the way to my goal and making good time. I’m now 251 lbs and I believe I’ll be down to at least 249 by tomorrow. Maybe I can get down to 248 or 247 by Saturday.
Speaking of Saturday….
Saturday is my birthday and I’m spending it with my Ex and her kids. Last Saturday, we had sex and she asked me to come over again on Sunday for it. We made plans to have sex on Easter and next Wednesday. She’s been texting me every day. I’m still trying to read her because she isn’t so obvious with things. She isn’t as expressive and that’s just her personality.
When I see her kids, I hope I don’t get too emotional. I’m afraid I might tear up because I have missed them so much. All I know is that I’m going to give them great big hugs and kisses.
I’m still in love with her and I need to be careful. I don’t know where her head is at and I’m afraid to ask in case I don’t like the answer. I’m playing a high risk game and I know it.
It’s been giving me anxiety because I want this to work. I never felt this way about anyone and I think we are meant to be together. I think my insecurities get in the way of things and I won’t let that happen again. The one escape is my training. It motivates me and improves my self-esteem. Gotta a lot of work to do though.
So yesterday, I went over to my Ex’s house and we had passionate sex. Like 3 times in one hour. It’s been a little less than three months since we’ve seen each other. I played it cool. Actually, I was just cool. I felt calm and not nervous like I used to be around her. It felt so good. I missed the way she tastes and how she smells. I think her pheromones have me under a spell.
After I left, she texted me, saying that maybe the fuck buddy thing wasn’t a good idea. I asked why and she told me it reminded her of how good things used to be. She misses the way we were and how we’d spend time with her two wonderful kids and how bad she feels that it didn’t work out. I told her I respect her decision, but things don’t have to end. I talked her out of ending our casual thing and I think she still has feelings for me. Honestly, I still have them for her, but something is different. A good different.
I used to be so insecure around her. In part, I was fresh from losing a lot of weight and not feeling like I was good enough. After not seeing her for a few months, getting back out there, and improving myself, I feel more confident. I don’t have the same anxieties I had before.
Later that night, she texted me photos of her and the kids at an event they were at. I have to admit, I beamed a giant smile. Whatever this is, it feels good.
I don’t know where we are headed, but I like where both of us are headed. Mistakes were made on both ends. It’s best to take it slow, but I think she still has feelings for me and I have them for her. We are drawn to each other like magnets.
In other news, I am now at 252 lbs. I am loving the progress.
Until next time.
So I’m now down to 253lbs. I’m killing it both in the gym and how I eat. Results are showing all over and it’s a big boost. I look good and I feel even better. I can even fit into skinny jeans now. Whether I should be wearing them or not is a whole different story. Haha! I’m starting to get a top vein on my bicept too after a work out. Hardly noticeable in the photo but I’m getting there. I love results.
This week has been an interesting one. On Monday, I met my friend Samantha and her friend Julie at a bar near by my work. It ended with the three of us making out with each other. Nope, we didn’t go to one of our places and have a threesome, but never say never. We were just all really drunk and it was fun. They are now my scissor sister friends. Haha.
But it gets more interesting. My Ex keeps texting me more and more. She initiates the conversations. I do not. She keeps asking questions like why I am being nice to her. She thinks I’m up to no good, but I think that’s her guilty conscious talking. She knows she screwed up, but doesn’t have the lady nuts to admit it. She knows she deserves to be hated by me, but I just don’t. What she did was unacceptable. She broke promises and she disrespected me. It’s taken about 3 months to get over that heartache, but here I am now, seemingly in the driver seat of this situation.
Yet….it gets even more interesting.
She has suggested we become exclusive friends with benefits. We only sleep with each other. Now, call me nuts, but that sounds like a relationship. I’m not sure if I can honor her request, seeing that she’s broken her fair share of promises, but I agreed. We are getting together Saturday for a sex marathon. If we did anything right, it was good sex. Just sayin’.
Life is interesting. I have a feeling my Ex will want more. Maybe she won’t. The question is, how will I respond. I’m open to trying again, but if asked now, the answer would be no. It’s hard to trust her emotionally. Right now, we seem to make each other laugh again. We get along. I suppose that’s better than where I was before.
So I left off that I had a date a few months back. It was okay. Nice girl, but I didn’t feel anything. Not that I expected to and especially so soon, but my head just wasn’t in it. I went on a few dates after that. One girl I clicked with. We eventually had a sex and that complicated things because she started developing feelings and I wasn’t.
There was one girl who did really hold my interest for a second, but she just got out of a relationship like me and wasn’t ready. There were others I talked to, but I kinda just stopped talking to them. I was more focused on getting myself better than trying to invest in getting to know someone new. Dating is exhausting even if it’s casual.
Then something weird happened. About a month ago, my ex texted me asking if I hated her. She was drunk. I told her I didn’t hate her, but I didn’t particularly care that she dumped me after everything I’ve done for her and her kids. The conversation turned ugly. A few weeks later I texted her and the conversation was more civil. We planned to hang out, but I wasn’t ready and canceled. She texted me yesterday and we’ve come to terms to become fuck buddies. I told her I’d do it under the condition that it’s just sex. No dinner, seeing a movie, or hanging out with friends. We fuck and that’s it. It’s all I can handle at this point. She doesn’t deserve anything else after what she did.
I’m waiting until the summer to go back into the dating world. I want to look better before reintroducing myself back into that world.
Hoping for the best.
I’ll have to update the other stuff for another blog, but I am now at 258 pounds and guess what? I kinda sorta have abs. Upper abs actually. I’ve been working out like a beast, doing cardio and on a high protein and low sugar and carb plan that I’ve been doing for some time. It seems to be working. I haven’t had any cheat days and I don’t really feel the need for them. I’ll celebrate Easter dinner, but I’ll be watching what I eat.
I can’t believe I kinda have abs now. It’s kinda weird.
This is only the beginning. I’m on the “Blitz for 40” project. It’s where I want to lose 40 pounds by July 1st, putting me at 220lbs. It will be hard, but I am up for the challenge. I WILL NOT FAIL!