Date Night

So I’m getting back out there. I don’t see the point of moping. I’m going out with this pretty girl tonight. She seems nice, but I really don’t know much about her. I guess I will tonight. I’m not expecting much. My only goal is that we have fun tonight and hopefully we’ll both want to do it again. She’s really cute, but that’s all I’m expecting. It’s all that I’m ready for.

My Ex texted me last Saturday morning. She had the nerve to text: I know you’re still hurting and that I shouldn’t be texting, but could I have those tickets to the concert we were going to go to the week of Valentine’s Day? I’ll pay you. I was like: Umm, no. She asked me why and tried to make me feel guilty and something clicked after that. She never gave a damn about me. It hurts and it upsets me, but I think it will help the healing go faster.

I’m still working out. I should do more weights, but I’m keeping up with my cardio.

Last Sunday morning around 3:30 AM, some drunk idiot hit my parked car. I woke up hearing the collision and instantly checked to see what had happened outside. The idiot tried to get away, his tire fell off and he crashed again. He got out of the car and tried to escape. I chased him down, threw him to the ground, put my knee on his neck, and I called the cops. That dude is in for a world of shit. He refused to take a sobriety test or a breathalyzer. That makes things much worse. As for me, I was so damn cold outside. I’m wearing nothing but shorts and my boots. It was worth it to catch this dude. I have a rental and my car will be as good as new in a few weeks.

Anyway, wish me luck on my date.

 

She dumped me. :(

It’s been a long time. I used this blog as a way to record my thoughts on my journey to being happy. A fitter me. A better me. When I found someone, I felt I didn’t need this blog anymore. I was immersed with the girl of my dreams.

I knew her since 4th grade. When we reconnected and she decided to take a chance on me, I was seriously the happiest man on earth. I was finally with the girl I always wanted to be with. She introduced me to her kids and I fell in love with them and they fell in love with me. She told me she was never really in love in her past relationships, but she actually knew she was in love with me. She told me her heart was mine and not to break it. She told me I made her believe in marriage again. She said I made her want to try for one more child. She said she would love me forever and that I was hers whether I liked it or not. I was so happy and I treated her and her children amazingly. I was happiest when we were together.

Now it’s over. It ended Saturday and I am so lost and sad. I’m going to miss her and her babies. She used to tell me I could never leave now because her kids loved me and it would break their heart. Now she’s the one who is leaving me.

Everything I have and everywhere we’ve been reminds me of her. It’s hell to see them and reliving it. I find my mind goes to songs she likes and I do my best to stop myself. It especially seems to happen when I wake up.

I don’t understand this, it was just last week where she told me how happy I made her.

So here I am and I’m back.

The last I recorded my weight, it was 264. I was 261 at my lightest. I’m now 267 so it won’t take much to lose that and keep back on track. I’ll post some photos so show how I look because I honestly don’t know what else to do. I’m lost. I’m so sad.

I get it, I’ll eventually get over it. I get it, people have it worse. I get it, breakups happen every day. But this still hurts and I’ve been a wreck.

I was a great boyfriend. I would have been a great husband and father figure for her kids. I never knew I had that in me until I was with them. She said I had a big heart. I guess the bigger the heart, the bigger the heartbreak.

This sucks. This sucks hard. I can’t stop crying. I wish this was just a bad dream.

 

77 pounds lost!

So I’m down 77 pounds. I’m now 264 lbs. I’m noticing that I am still able to lose the weight despite going out a few nights a week for burgers and beer. It’s nice to know I can indulge a bit and not allow it to be a distraction to my weight loss goals. Then again, I train so hard that I’m sure I can afford to, but I usually stay the course when it comes to my food.

So things are going okay so far with the girlfriend. I like her so much and it only helps to motivate me to keep at it. I certainly don’t feel content enough to do nothing just because I have someone who likes me.

Speaking of, I seriously don’t know why she likes me. I’ve been trying to figure it out. I guess I’m overthinking it, but I think I’m afraid to get hurt. I can’t live like that though or else it will stress me out and keep me from enjoying what I have and what I have is a really good thing. I guess I just want to earn her affection and admiration every single day. I told her that I’d be the best decision she ever made if she got with me and I plan to live up to it.

I’m going out with her tonight and again on Friday. I can’t get enough of her.

Anyway, here’s some photos of us. She really makes me happy, but I already said that.

74 pounds lost and I have a new girlfriend!

So yeah, the weight loss is going well. I’m down 74 and the momentum is going great. Only 26 more pounds to go and then I will reassess the next step. I’m seriously feeling great and I think I look great.

I loved jogging in the heat. It’s always good to make sure you rehydrate, but there’s something about the running in the heat and the smell of nature at my park that just makes me want to work harder.

Speaking of great, me and the old grade school crush have hit it off really well and have fallen hard for each other. So much in fact that we are taking a leap of faith and started dating exclusively.  The chemistry is there and it’s something you can’t teach or learn. Either it’s there or it’s not. It’s there with her. Even now, I can’t stop thinking about her. She’s made my life even better. Persistence pays off.

I’m losing the weight, I got the new car,  got a raise at work too, and now I got the girl. I’m obtaining my goals. Feels great. Below are some photos of me that I took in the last week along with a photo of my beautiful girlfriend. The “Couple” photo I’ll post next time.

For right now, life is really good.

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71 pounds lost and other magical tales!

So the weight keeps coming off. This is great news especially after maintaining for a bit. 71 pounds lost in 3 and a half months. Not too bad, but I have a lot of work left to do.

Tonight is my date with the hottie from grade school and high school. Food. Beer. Kissin’. I can’t wait. The more we talk, the more I know she’s into me. We’ll just have to take it one step at a time and see where it goes. Hopefully to a very good place because I really really like her.

I wish I had more to write, but I really don’t. I’m pretty tired, but I know I’ll catch my 2nd wind with her. RAWR! 🙂

I’ve lost 66 pounds!

As of today, I am down 66 pounds, but the process is getting slower, but the work isn’t. It’s been crazy the past few weeks. My job is keeping me busy, I recently went on vacation, and I’m now kinda sorta seeing an old grade school/ high school friend, but it’s just in the beginning stages of dating.

I’ve been pretty emotional the past few weeks. Not as in crying, but serious highs and lows. It’s circumstantial so it’s not like I need to be on meds, but  I feel I’m teetering on  a tightrope and either something great or  disappointing is going to happen. I’m not sure which yet, but I’m fighting.

As for my vacation, I took a trip down to the Flight 93 Memorial site the day after the 5th of July. I was going to go with a friend, but decided I’d much rather go by myself. I really wanted to just leave Ohio and take a long drive to deal with my own thoughts. It felt so good. Going to the Flight 93 Memorial site was a true historic pilgrimage. We all know the story, but when you see it, hear the calls from passengers on the flight, see the debris encased in glass, among other details….it leaves you speechless. It was both tragic and heroic. The passengers and crew of Flight 93 had no choice, but to give up their lives in order to stop four other terrorists from completing their plot. Yes, the heroes tried surviving, but they knew the risks and refused to do nothing. True heroes fight even when terrified.

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After, I headed to Washington, PA and got a room at the Hilton for the night. Due to a lock issue, my room was upgraded. After settling in, I went across the street to Primanti Brothers for dinner and drinks. After, I grabbed some more beer and went back to my room to watch the Pirates game.

The next day, I woke up, checked out, and visited some of the Night of the Living Dead remake film locations then headed back home. Once I got home, I got my hair shaved off and went to the park to jog. After that, I went home, showered, and waited to meet this chick I knew since grade school/high school.

Now about this hang out, I always thought this chick was cute. The summer heading into our freshmen year, I wrote her a letter asking if she’d go out with me. She politely declined, but we remained friends for a bit and eventually faded from each other’s lives. We reconnected about a month ago thanks to the lovely device of Facebook.  So we hung out, ate wings, slammed down a few drinks, and shared fun stories about each other. After we parted ways, I drunk texted her, telling her I thought she was hot and reminded her about the letter I sent that one summer. We agreed to go out again a week from Wednesday.

Between then and now, we text each other often. I try not to text too much because I don’t want to smother her or turn her off, but I think about her constantly which drives me nuts. On Friday, she asked if I really sent a letter to her that summer because she didn’t remember ever getting one. After that, we became more flirtatious. On Saturday, she asked if I wanted to go to this event with her along with her friend and her husband in August. Of course I accepted. Yesterday, we made plans to go out again next week on top of the plans we have this week.

So I think she likes me, right? Sometimes I overthink things too much. Despite my fight to better myself, I always have that voice in my head that tells me I don’t deserve this and that I’m not worthy. It’s a hell of a thing. I just want this thing to go well, but I’m terrified she’ll get sick of me sooner than later.

Since the trip, I keep listening to this song and can’t get it out of my head.

Marina and the Diamonds – Fear and Loathing Lyrics

I’ve lived a lot of different lives
Been different people many times
I live my life in bitterness
And fill my heart with emptiness

And now I see, I see it for the first time,
There is no crime in being kind
Not everyone is out to screw you over.
Maybe, oh just maybe they just wanna get to know ya.

Now the time is here,
Baby you don’t have to live your life in fear
And the sky is clear, is clear of fear

Don’t wanna live in fear and loathing
I wanna feel like I am floating
Instead of constantly exploding
In fear and loathing

Got different people inside my head
I wonder which one that they like best
I’m done with tryin’ to have it all
And endin’ up with not much at all.

And now the time is here,
Baby you don’t have to live your life in fear
And the sky is clear, is clear of fear
Of fear

Don’t wanna live in fear and loathing
I wanna feel like I am floating
Instead of constantly exploding
In fear and loathing.

And when the time comes along
And the lights run out,
I know where I will belong
When they blow me out.

Don’t wanna live in fear and loathing
I wanna feel like I am floating
Instead of constantly exploding
In fear and loathing.

I wanna be completely weightless
I wanna touch the edge of greatness
Don’t wanna be completely faithless
Completely faithless.

When the time comes around
When the lights will go out
When the time comes around
When the lights they go out.

I’ve lost 61 pounds!

I finally made it past the 60 mark. It’s now 61 pounds lost since March 31st. I keep grinding and I keep succeeding. I’m still dissatisfied. I have this giant chip on my shoulder and my boss/friend can see that I’m angrier and less inclined to take anyone’s shit. She thinks I am building more confidence, but I don’t think it’s that. I’m just sick of being looked over and disrespected so instead of expecting respect, I’m taking it.

Look at me, I’m no one special. I’m below average looks wise, but I’m working on it. Maybe that’s it. I want to be desired, I want to be worth something to people. People say there’s nothing to prove to anyone, but ourselves, but I call bullshit. It’s a fancy little saying, but it’s a lie. Whether we admit it or not, we want to be respected and admired. At least by the ones who count to us. Being coy about it is just useless posturing.

My hand is fully healed so I am able to lift again. I hate that it took three weeks, but at least it got better.

Anyway, I don’t have much to say. Nobody reads my tripe anymore, but I wanted to write something so I remember this moment and what my frame of mind was. To those who do read…thanks.

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